Toms Harwdare guide gets ripped!

Impotence · Oct 5, 2006

I just strolled accross a rather lenthy complaint about toms hardware 'guide' and i had to share it.

email said:

I am writing this letter because I take issue with some of Tom's Harwdare Guide's fulminations. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I have to say. Tom's Harwdare Guide has -- not once, but several times -- been able to wage an odd sort of warfare upon a largely unprepared and unrecognizing public without anyone stopping it. How long can that go on? As long as its intellectually challenged, stentorian bons mots are kept on life support. That's why we have to pull the plug on them and make this world a better place in which to live. Looking at it on the bright side, Tom's Harwdare Guide recently stated that its scare tactics are good for the environment, human rights, and baby seals. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary, because if my memory serves me correctly, it finds reality too difficult to swallow. Or maybe it just gets lost between the sports and entertainment pages. In either case, Tom's Harwdare Guide is too cranky to read the writing on the wall. This writing warns that if you read between the lines of its grievances, you'll definitely find that if I didn't think it would block streets and traffic to the extent that ambulances can't get through, I wouldn't say that it plans to move mephitic racialism from the profligate fringe into a realm of respectability. It has instructed its brethren not to discuss this or even admit to its plan's existence. Obviously, Tom's Harwdare Guide knows it has something to hide. In asserting that profits come before people, it demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision. There is something grievously wrong with those audacious, unreasonable storytellers who blend together Fabianism and vigilantism in a train wreck of monumental proportions. Shame on the lot of them! For Tom's Harwdare Guide's scabrous plans to succeed, it needs to "dumb down" our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. In the near future, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like "pharmacodynamic" and "sphygmomanometric". They will be incapable of comprehending that Tom's Harwdare Guide's latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.

Listen up: Many people are incredulous when I tell them that Tom's Harwdare Guide intends to distort the facts. "How could Tom's Harwdare Guide be so fatuous?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is truly possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Tom's Harwdare Guide plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that it somehow manages to get away with spreading lies (the rules don't apply to it), distortions (it's perfectly safe to drink and drive), and misplaced idealism (we can stop extremism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for uncivilized good-for-nothings). However, when I try to respond in kind, I get censored faster than you can say "hyperconscientiousness". It saddens me that I sometimes ask myself whether the struggle to express my views is worth all of the potential consequences. And I consistently answer by saying that it's impractical for Tom's Harwdare Guide to waste our time and money. Or perhaps I should say, it's bestial.

And, more important, Tom's Harwdare Guide's desire to take us all on an utterly reckless ride into the unknown is the chief sign that it's a wretched, lousy fault-finder. (The second sign is that Tom's Harwdare Guide feels obliged to let down ladders which the rash, simple-minded, and dangerous scramble to climb.) Generally speaking, the fact that apolaustic, homophobic scroungers find Tom's Harwdare Guide's ideologies entertaining -- indeed, titillating -- is deeply horrifying to the past and potential victims of such excuses. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that, so let me assure you that it maintains that its solutions prevent smallpox. Perhaps it would be best for it to awaken from its delusional narcoleptic fantasyland and observe that it will do everything in its power to make us dependent on contumelious, abysmal knuckleheads for political representation, economic support, social position, and psychological approval. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; Tom's Harwdare Guide is planning to feed blind hatred. This does not bode well for the future, because its goal is to weaken family ties. This is abject chauvinism! Our national media is controlled by rancorous porn stars. That's why you probably haven't heard that the lockstep ideological conformity of Tom's Harwdare Guide's functionaries and their mindless parroting of Tom's Harwdare Guide's mawkish cliches about corporatism have reached a level of absurdity hardly matched by any historical example that comes to mind. Or, to express that sentiment without all of the emotionally charged lingo, in these days of political correctness and the changing of how history is taught in schools to fulfill a particular agenda, if one believes statements like, "Space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us," one is, in effect, supporting mingy bigamists. If I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to defy the international enslavement of entire peoples. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which Tom's Harwdare Guide has tried to shift blame from those who benefit from oppression to those who suffer from it.

Tom's Harwdare Guide has a knack for convincing unpatriotic snollygosters that everything is happy and fine and good. That's called marketing. The underlying trick is to use sesquipedalian terms like "orbiculatoelliptical" and "anthropomorphotheist" to keep its sales pitch from sounding short-sighted. That's why you really have to look hard to see that Tom's Harwdare Guide would have us believe that everyone who doesn't share its beliefs is a barbaric, disgraceful uncouth-type deserving of death and damnation. Such flummery can be quickly dissipated merely by skimming a few random pages from any book on the subject.

Let me put it this way: time cannot change Tom's Harwdare Guide's behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Tom's Harwdare Guide can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, truck away our freedoms for safekeeping. I decidedly don't believe that Tom's Harwdare Guide has answers to everything. So when it says that that's what I believe, I see how little it understands my position.

Tom's Harwdare Guide complains a lot. What's ironic, though, is that it hasn't made even a single concrete suggestion for improvement or identified a single problem with the system as it exists today. My intention here is not just to establish democracy and equality, but also to rise to the challenge of thwarting Tom's Harwdare Guide's condescending plans. Tom's Harwdare Guide is absolutely determined to believe that the Universe belongs to it by right, and it's not about to let facts or reason get in its way. Tom's Harwdare Guide can blame me for the influx of violent bums if it makes it feel better, but it won't help its cause any. Tom's Harwdare Guide asserts that it does the things it does "for the children". Most reasonable people, however, recognize such assertions as nothing more than baseless, if wishful, claims unsupported by concrete evidence. Although Tom's Harwdare Guide is only one turd floating in the moral cesspool that our society has become, it says that its shenanigans are our final line of defense against tyrrany. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery!

I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that even the most squalid fence-sitters I've ever seen are ashamed of being associated with Tom's Harwdare Guide's refractory reasoning and loquacious notions. What I mean is that we've all heard it yammer and whine about how it's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. As you can see, it doesn't do us much good to become angry and wave our arms and shout about the evils of Tom's Harwdare Guide's press releases in general terms. If we want other people to agree with us and join forces with us, then we must tell you a little bit about Tom's Harwdare Guide and its asinine conclusions. Tom's Harwdare Guide's insinuations can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they're being influenced by them. That's why we must proactively notify humanity that everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Tom's Harwdare Guide". In it, I chronicle all of Tom's Harwdare Guide's diatribes, from the stubborn to the power-drunk, and conclude that any rational argument must acknowledge this. Tom's Harwdare Guide's malodorous zingers, naturally, do not.

When I first became aware of Tom's Harwdare Guide's covert invasion into our thought processes, all I could think was how anyone who has spent much time wading through the pious, obscurantist, jargon-filled cant that now passes for "advanced" thought in the humanities already knows that the only morally sound solution is to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. What may be news, however, is that it talks a lot about unilateralism and how wonderful it is. However, it's never actually defined what it means. How can Tom's Harwdare Guide argue for something it's never defined? The answer should be self-evident, so let me just point out that Tom's Harwdare Guide has warned us that in a lustrum or two, crude proponents of snobbism will make incorrect leaps of logic. If you think about it, you'll realize that Tom's Harwdare Guide's warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that griping about Tom's Harwdare Guide will not make it stop trying to tour the country promoting malignant ageism in lectures and radio talk show interviews. But even if it did, it would just find some other way to coordinate a revolution. You may wonder why Tom's Harwdare Guide finds enemies everywhere. It's simply because Tom's Harwdare Guide doesn't want us to search for solutions that are more creative and constructive than the typically presumptuous ones championed by dictatorial opportunists. It would rather we settle for the meatless bone of alcoholism. Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that Tom's Harwdare Guide's mercenaries believe that the only way to expand one's mind is with drugs -- or maybe even chocolate. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to summon up the courage to remove the misunderstanding that Tom's Harwdare Guide has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world. please note this this is a hoax, i (impy) made the 'complaint' with http://www.pakin.org/complaint and im wrting about it here beacuse most people wont read this bit, a big thanks to 'Blade' for the humour sites!

A great many of us don't want Tom's Harwdare Guide to burn its opponents at the stake. But we feel a prodigious societal pressure to smile, to be nice, and not to object to its scary commentaries. Tom's Harwdare Guide keeps trying to set the wolf to mind the sheep. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, it will really succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with distasteful, intrusive chuckleheads, Tom's Harwdare Guide's rank-and-file followers, or anyone else who fails to realize that what I find frightening is that some academics actually believe Tom's Harwdare Guide's line that conceited Luddites are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. In this case, "academics" refers to a stratum of the residual intelligentsia surviving the recession of its demotic base, not to those seekers of truth who understand that if Tom's Harwdare Guide wants to revive the ruinous excess of a bygone era to bounce and blow amidst the ruinous excess of the present era, let it wear the opprobrium of that decision. What do you think of this: I don't care a brass farthing about what Tom's Harwdare Guide thinks of me? All I can tell you is what matters to me: Perhaps one day we will live in a world where good people are not troubled by fear of insufferable big-mouths. Until that day arrives, however, we must spread the word that Tom's Harwdare Guide's sound bites are pockmarked with belligerent cannibalism and other assorted ills. So what's the connection between that and Tom's Harwdare Guide's perorations? The connection is that on a television program last night, I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "We may never learn the answers to some of the more vexing questions surrounding Tom's Harwdare Guide's motives." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual.

As a parenthetical note, Tom's Harwdare Guide may be reasonably cunning with words. However, it is entirely adversarial with everything else. We have to consider all of our options. That's something you won't find in your local newspaper because it's the news that just doesn't fit. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care.
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Addis · Oct 5, 2006

I knew it was a hoax . Obvious lack of references...

DaRuSsIaMaN · Oct 5, 2006

w. t. f.

Swansen · Oct 6, 2006

yeah like what the crap, that should be his thesis for some class

Impotence · Oct 6, 2006

you might might to read this bit which i hid in the above post

please note this this is a hoax, i (impy) made the 'complaint' with Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator and im wrting about it here beacuse most people wont read this bit, a big thanks to 'Blade' for the humour sites!
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Big B · Oct 6, 2006

Hoax, sure, but it's eerily spot on in regards to THG's practices. I don't read THG because there are better written articles out there. Sites like Anandtech, PC Perspective, the Tech Report, 2CPU...they all offer much better articles than THG and generally much abbreviated. THG is also biased in reviews. Granted, there will always be a bias, but THG was so biased to a point that you started to wonder if they were on a few companies payroll. Now, Jim Kirk from 2CPU does write some articles for THG, so those would be good, but I'm not sure I have enough faith in the other writers for the site.

Basically, THG may have been a good site at one time, but from what I've seen, there's much better material available, and no reason to drop by THG anymore.

megamaced · Oct 6, 2006

What do short-sighted, foul imbeciles, rabid conspiracy theorists, and Impotence have in common? If you answered, "They all foster suspicion -- if not hatred -- of 'outsiders'," then pat yourself on the back. To organize my discussion, I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and set the record straight.

Make special note of that point, because there is a format Impotence should follow for its next literary endeavor. It involves a topic sentence and supporting facts. Call me a cynic, but today, we might have let Impotence rot our minds with the hallucinatory drug of unilateralism. Tomorrow, we won't. Instead, we will fight the warped, distorted, misshapen, unwholesome monstrosity that Impotence's editorials have become. I may not believe that anyone who resists Impotence deserves to be crushed, but I unmistakably do aver that it has been said that it makes so many laughably militant statements, it boggles the mind to think about them. I, in turn, contend that its platitudes have caused widespread social alienation, and from this alienation a thousand social pathologies have sprung. Impotence accuses me of being hate-filled, yet it is it who is filled with hate. And it accuses me of being bigoted, while its slurs show nothing but bigotry. Why does Impotence make those sorts of accusations, then? Any honest person who takes the time to think about that question will be forced to conclude that Impotence craves more power. I say we should give it more power -- preferably, 10,000 volts of it.

I predict that some day, people will generally agree that the lockstep ideological conformity of Impotence's slaves and their mindless parroting of Impotence's meddlesome cliches about vandalism have reached a level of absurdity hardly matched by any historical example that comes to mind. This is a prediction that will not be true in all cases, but it is expected to become more common as time passes. My intention here is not just to bring Impotence to justice, but also to challenge the present and enrich the future. I challenge you to ponder this subject with the broadest vision possible.
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I rest my case

Swansen · Oct 7, 2006

i don't understand what the is going on in that essay

megamaced · Oct 7, 2006

Swansen said: ↑

i don't understand what the is going on in that essay
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Well basically what I am saying is that Impotence is a suspicious charactor who I hate. "I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and set the record straight." I also think that Impotence's posts have rotted our minds away :chk:

Impy knows i've nothing against him really

Swansen · Oct 7, 2006

ok i still don't understand whats going on, Impotence is bad or toms hardware is saying he's bad

Addis · Oct 7, 2006

No, the whole complaint has been generated on a site, all the user had to do was put some details in of the person they want to complain about, and some other details and the complaint is generated. Its not a real complaint.

DaRuSsIaMaN · Oct 7, 2006

lol. Good one, mega.

Man, that generator is incredible. How can it truly be random and actually make sense and be grammatically correct? It's not just a bunch of stored templates from which it randomly selects? It really generates a unique one every time??

Swansen · Oct 8, 2006

oh man now i get it holy crap, thats crazy sweet. Wow but yeah good point thats a pretty powerful peice of software

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Toms Harwdare guide gets ripped!

Impotence May the source be with u!

Addis The King

DaRuSsIaMaN Geek Comrade

Swansen The Ninj

Impotence May the source be with u!

Big B HWF Godfather

megamaced Geek Geek Geek!

Swansen The Ninj

megamaced Geek Geek Geek!

Swansen The Ninj

Addis The King

DaRuSsIaMaN Geek Comrade

Swansen The Ninj

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Toms Harwdare guide gets ripped!

Impotence May the source be with u!

Addis The King

DaRuSsIaMaN Geek Comrade

Swansen The Ninj

Impotence May the source be with u!

Big B HWF Godfather

megamaced Geek Geek Geek!

Swansen The Ninj

megamaced Geek Geek Geek!

Swansen The Ninj

Addis The King

DaRuSsIaMaN Geek Comrade

Swansen The Ninj

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