Offical Jokes Thread (Clean)

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Sniper, Apr 23, 2005.

  1. Matt555

    Matt555 iMod

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    A nose goes into the same pub and the barman says "there's no way I'm serving you, you're off your face"
     
  2. Big B

    Big B HWF Godfather

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    Q: What's a clean 4-letter word for Incumbent?
    A: L-I-A-R
    ------------------------------
    Q: How many dead people does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Depends on how you stack 'em.
     
  3. Big B

    Big B HWF Godfather

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    Bentley Forums
    - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

    Camaro/Firebird Forums
    - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

    Mustang (Chevelle) forums
    - - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

    Monte Carlo forums
    - - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

    Civic forums
    - - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

    VW Bug forum
    - - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

    Yugo Forum
    - - - When's the last time yours ran?

    Lamborghini forum
    - - - Wind noise around 210MPH

    Miata forums
    - - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

    Chevy Tahoe forum
    - - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

    Pontiac Fiero forum
    - - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

    BMW 7-series forum
    - - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

    Cadillac forum
    - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

    Chevy Suburban Forum
    - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

    Buick Forum
    - - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

    Delorean forum
    - - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

    Crown Victoria forum
    - - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

    Honda Accord forum
    - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

    Toyota Echo forum
    - - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

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    Porsche forums
    - - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

    Saturn forums
    - - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

    Jaguar forum
    - - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

    Mercedes forum
    - - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

    Mini forum
    - - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

    Dodge Viper forum
    - - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

    McLaren F1 forum
    - - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

    Dodge Minivan forum
    - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

    Hummer forum
    - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

    Fiat forum
    - - -Hello? Am I the only member?

    Subaru WRX forum
    - - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

    Chevy pickup forum
    - - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

    SRT Forums
    "Will this void my warranty"

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    - - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

    DSM Forums
    - - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

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    - - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

    Vette Forums
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    Ford 2.3 forums
    - - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!
     
  4. DavidNW

    DavidNW Big Geek

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    A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Has my dad been in?"

    The bartender replies: "I don't know - what does he look like?"
     
  5. donkey42

    donkey42 plank

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    hereś one that i am (with recently moving to linux)

    almost all pc users are ¨PIBCAK´s (Problem Is Between Chair And Kewboard)

    thats one from years ago, but still funny, LOL
     
  6. beretta9m2f

    beretta9m2f Karate-Chop Action Gabe

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    Job Title
     

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  7. beretta9m2f

    beretta9m2f Karate-Chop Action Gabe

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    Political Theories
    DEMOCRAT

    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.
    Barbara Streisand sings for you.


    SOCIALIST

    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


    REPUBLICAN

    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?


    COMMUNIST

    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.


    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

    You have two cows.
    The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
    man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

    You have two cows.
    The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


    AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
    surprised when one cow drops dead.
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.


    FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch.
    Life is good.


    JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


    GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
    excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
    they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


    ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.


    RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


    TALIBAN CORPORATION

    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
    parts.
    Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.


    POLISH CORPORATION

    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


    FLORIDA CORPORATION

    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither.
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.


    NEW YORK CORPORATION

    You have fifteen million cows.
    You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
     
  8. beretta9m2f

    beretta9m2f Karate-Chop Action Gabe

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  9. megamaced

    megamaced Geek Geek Geek!

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    Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some shopping done.
    I was stressed out & a little irate. It was dark, cold, & wet in the car
    Park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy, I
    Noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling
    Under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
    As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
    Quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12
    Years old. He was short & thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
    Old football shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly
    Enough, he was holding a fifty pound note in his hand. Thinking that he had
    Gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.
    He told me his sad story.
    He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers & four
    Sisters all of whom also had birthdays imminent just like my little
    Boy. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
    Educated & worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support
    Her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp & save a hundred
    Pounds to buy her children birthday presents. The young boy had been dropped
    Off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money
    To buy presents for all his siblings & save just enough to take the bus home.
    He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed
    One of the fifty pound notes & disappeared into the night.
    "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
    The boy said, "I did."
    "And nobody came to help you?" I asked.
    The boy stared at the pavement & sadly shook his head.
    "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
    The soft-spoken boy looked up, tears in his eyes & meekly whispered,
    "Help me!"
    I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
    For help.
    So I grabbed his other fifty pound note & legged it back to my car.
    What a f**kin result !!!
     
  10. Impotence

    Impotence May the source be with u!

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    see attachment
     

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