Offical Jokes Thread (Clean)
- Thread starter Sniper
- Start date
Nic
Sleepy Head
Ahh definately not a speciality of mine but here goes
At a local sunday school harvest festival, the kids had laid out a long table of food, and the first thing on it was a big bowl full of apples. One of the teachers had put a sign below the apples saying "Take one only....God is watching"
At the oppsite end of the table was a plate of choccy biscuits, and one cheeky kid left a note saying " Take as many as you like....God's watching the apples"
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"!!!
At a local sunday school harvest festival, the kids had laid out a long table of food, and the first thing on it was a big bowl full of apples. One of the teachers had put a sign below the apples saying "Take one only....God is watching"
At the oppsite end of the table was a plate of choccy biscuits, and one cheeky kid left a note saying " Take as many as you like....God's watching the apples"
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"!!!
Nic
Sleepy Head
Lol i liked the Houston and One for the road
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this
time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the
preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the
drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his
eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
..................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up
and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this
time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you
found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the
preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the
drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his
eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
..................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Big B
HWF Godfather
A soldier lost his rifle and was told he'd have to pay for it.
"Sir, suppose I lost a tank...surely I wouldn't have to pay for it."
The officer reprimanding the soldier barked. "Of course you would, even if it took you the rest of your life!"
On his way back to the barracks the solider said to himself, "Well, at least I know why the captain goes down with the ship."
---------------
Evian spelled backwards is naive.
--------------
Famous last words:
-You can make it. That train ain't comin' that fast.
-What? Your mother's staying another month.
-I'm not sure if my gas tank's empty...gimme a match.
-Geez, woman, these biscuits are tough!
-----------------
Joe was minding his own business at a bar when an oriental man came up and beat the crap out of him. When Joe awoke, he inquired as to who the oriental was.
"That was Kung Fu from Beijing."
A week later, Joe was at the bar when another oriental man came up and beat him up.
Upon waking from the incident, the bar tender informed him, "That was Kung-Pao from Hong Kong."
A week later, Joe sees Kung Fu and Kung-Pao having a meal together and pays them both back the abuse. As he was leaving he told the waiter, "Tell them that was the hammer from Sears."
"Sir, suppose I lost a tank...surely I wouldn't have to pay for it."
The officer reprimanding the soldier barked. "Of course you would, even if it took you the rest of your life!"
On his way back to the barracks the solider said to himself, "Well, at least I know why the captain goes down with the ship."
---------------
Evian spelled backwards is naive.
--------------
Famous last words:
-You can make it. That train ain't comin' that fast.
-What? Your mother's staying another month.
-I'm not sure if my gas tank's empty...gimme a match.
-Geez, woman, these biscuits are tough!
-----------------
Joe was minding his own business at a bar when an oriental man came up and beat the crap out of him. When Joe awoke, he inquired as to who the oriental was.
"That was Kung Fu from Beijing."
A week later, Joe was at the bar when another oriental man came up and beat him up.
Upon waking from the incident, the bar tender informed him, "That was Kung-Pao from Hong Kong."
A week later, Joe sees Kung Fu and Kung-Pao having a meal together and pays them both back the abuse. As he was leaving he told the waiter, "Tell them that was the hammer from Sears."
keep them coming guys :)
[FORMATBOX=What are the pictures?]
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"[/FORMATBOX]
[FORMATBOX=What are the pictures?]
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"[/FORMATBOX]
Big B
HWF Godfather
Becky: Do you think my hair is like golden fleece?
Tom: Uh-huh.
Becky: Do you think my lips are like rose petals?
Tom: Uh-huh.
Becky: Oh, you say the most wonderful things!
---------------------------------
A blowhard attends a world summit and has a seat next to an oriental dressed in traditional clothing. Trying to make small talk, the blowhard asks: "You like soupee?" The oriental nods. A little later, "You like steakee?" The oriental nods again.
Well, the speaker for the night is introduced, and happens to be the oriental fellow. The oriental goes up and gives his speech in flawless Oxford English. When he returns to his seat, he turns to the blowhard, "You like speechee?"
Tom: Uh-huh.
Becky: Do you think my lips are like rose petals?
Tom: Uh-huh.
Becky: Oh, you say the most wonderful things!
---------------------------------
A blowhard attends a world summit and has a seat next to an oriental dressed in traditional clothing. Trying to make small talk, the blowhard asks: "You like soupee?" The oriental nods. A little later, "You like steakee?" The oriental nods again.
Well, the speaker for the night is introduced, and happens to be the oriental fellow. The oriental goes up and gives his speech in flawless Oxford English. When he returns to his seat, he turns to the blowhard, "You like speechee?"
ThePenguinCometh
There is no escape
Q: How many Pentium CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33: 32 to hold the bits and one to push the registers!
A: 33: 32 to hold the bits and one to push the registers!
Kez
Geek Trainee
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Impotence
May the source be with u!
The answers are in WHITE TEXT, to read them Highlight from the ">" to the "<"
How do you get an elepant in the fridge?
>Open the door, put the elephant in, Close the door.<
How do you get a Girraffe in the fridge?
>Open the door, Take out the elephant, put in the girraffe, close the door.<
All the animals are having a meeting, who cant come?
>The Girraffe, he's in the fridge!<
How do you get a girraffe out of the freezer?
>You dont, hes in the fridge!<
How do you get an elepant in the fridge?
>Open the door, put the elephant in, Close the door.<
How do you get a Girraffe in the fridge?
>Open the door, Take out the elephant, put in the girraffe, close the door.<
All the animals are having a meeting, who cant come?
>The Girraffe, he's in the fridge!<
How do you get a girraffe out of the freezer?
>You dont, hes in the fridge!<
WWR
Ultra Geek
A man walks into a bar on the 31st floor of a skyscraper, he sits down and orders a drink. Another man walks in, sits down and has a shot of house vodka.
After drinking the shot the man proceeds to leap out of the window. The first man looks in shock and can't believe his eyes.
To his disbelief the man walks in a few minutes later, sits down at the bar and orders a shot of house vodka.
He drinks it and sure enough, leaps from the window again.
The first man gets an idea and orders a shot of house vodka. After drinking it he leaps out of the window and falls 31 stories to his death.
The second man walks in again, the bartender says.
"You're such an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
After drinking the shot the man proceeds to leap out of the window. The first man looks in shock and can't believe his eyes.
To his disbelief the man walks in a few minutes later, sits down at the bar and orders a shot of house vodka.
He drinks it and sure enough, leaps from the window again.
The first man gets an idea and orders a shot of house vodka. After drinking it he leaps out of the window and falls 31 stories to his death.
The second man walks in again, the bartender says.
"You're such an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
Marcus_X
Expert N00b
Question : Why don´t you see any blind people going parachute diving?
Answer : Because is scares the hell out of the dogs!
Little Red Riding hood is walking to the forest, suddenly she can see the big bad wolf sitting behind some bushes, and she asks: "Oh Mr. Wolf, why are your eyes so little?" And the wolf replies: "Get lost you little @#$ ! Can´t you see I´m taking a dump?!"
Question : How can you tell a blonde has been using a computer before you?
Answer : All the spelling mistakes have been corrected with typp-ex on the screen!
A woman gets home after a succesful day of shopping and she proudly shows her husband the bra she bought, the husband says: "Why did you have to go and buy something like that, while you don´t even have anything to put in there?!" the wife replies: "Well, I buy your underwear too don´t I!"
Answer : Because is scares the hell out of the dogs!
Little Red Riding hood is walking to the forest, suddenly she can see the big bad wolf sitting behind some bushes, and she asks: "Oh Mr. Wolf, why are your eyes so little?" And the wolf replies: "Get lost you little @#$ ! Can´t you see I´m taking a dump?!"
Question : How can you tell a blonde has been using a computer before you?
Answer : All the spelling mistakes have been corrected with typp-ex on the screen!
A woman gets home after a succesful day of shopping and she proudly shows her husband the bra she bought, the husband says: "Why did you have to go and buy something like that, while you don´t even have anything to put in there?!" the wife replies: "Well, I buy your underwear too don´t I!"
Big B
HWF Godfather
Definition of cruel: Playing 'Jump' by VanHalen on the suicide hotline.
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Authentic WWII French Rifle, dropped only once.
-----------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian."
----------
I'm not concieted, because that's a fault and I have none.
----------
Marijuana: Proud sponsers of...ummm...we forget.
----------
Tequila: Have you hugged your toilet today?
-----------
Do unto others...then run!
-----------
Remember: you can't spell stud without STD.
-----------
Authentic WWII French Rifle, dropped only once.
-----------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian."
----------
I'm not concieted, because that's a fault and I have none.
----------
Marijuana: Proud sponsers of...ummm...we forget.
----------
Tequila: Have you hugged your toilet today?
-----------
Do unto others...then run!
-----------
Remember: you can't spell stud without STD.
